I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You pole danced in your parka.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
