Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
