so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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