My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
