I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
