I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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