Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
