I accidentally burped into my bong.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
