I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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