The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
