Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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