it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
