it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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