Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize