New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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