if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my vag is so smooth its legendary
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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