sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
