I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
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i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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