She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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