Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
