Please, let me fuck your mom
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
