Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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