It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
