i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
two words...techno handjob
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
