Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
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I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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