I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
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you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
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He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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