And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
