How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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