I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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