I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
