Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
