It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
