I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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