You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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