Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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