Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
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