My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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