Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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