hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
