There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
