Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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