dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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