how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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