Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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