I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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