I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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