Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
