its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I want a musical about memes.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
