Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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