I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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