allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
