What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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