The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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