meet me or not, i'm out of control
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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