I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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