He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
