the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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