There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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