that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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