A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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