Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
