Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
