I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
worst night to have a conscience
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
